THE REALITY OF BEING A CHRONIC WORRIER WITH HEALTH ANXIETY

[The Black Sheer Longline Blouse within this blog post was gifted to me by Lovedrobe]

I worry. I don't just worry a little bit. I worry A LOT. I worry about everything, and it can be the most debilitating thing imaginable. Worry is an awful thing, and this is my reality of being a chronic worrier.

Sure, there's days when I don't worry that much. But some days it can be extreme, thick, heady, and overpowering.

I have diagnosed general anxiety disorder, for which I take medication. But I also have Hyperchondria (health anxiety). Health anxiety is a debilitating form of anxiety, and something I desperately wish I didn't suffer with. I don't think that the internet helps much either...

Imagine having a headache.. but then googling in because you're worried.. and then reading the symptoms of a brain tumour and being convinced that that's what you've got.

Imagine having a lump on your leg for a couple of years.. a lump that's never hurt, never caused you any pain, and a lump you're pretty sure originated from a fall on the way to school eight years ago... but being convinced that it's osteosarcoma because you've googled it. And then you go to the doctors and he laughs at you because it's just a Lipoma (fatty tissue) but still sends you for a scan... and despite the reassurance that it's nothing suspicious, you go home, google it again, become convinced it's awful again, and then cry for the entire night because you think you're going to have to have your leg amputated.

I actually got my results back the other day after having an x-ray (as I was too worried and couldn't wait for the scan), and everything was FINE. I can't tell you how grateful, happy, and thankful I was.

Hyperchondria is constantly seeking a 'clean bill of health'

Hyperchondria is awful. It's tiring, it's exhausting, it's upsetting, and most of all, it feels SO REAL when you're experiencing all of these emotions while believing you have a serious illness.

Being a chronic worrier means every abnormality that appears on your body, becomes an instant fearful worry. If a mole looks different to how you remember, if it stings to pee, if your wrist hurts, if your vision goes blurry – everything becomes a warning sign, and everything becomes a symptom of some awful disease.

For instance, for the past two years I have been convinced on-and-off that I have been suffering with appendicitis. My stomach would hurt (bearing in mind I do have IBS and potential IBD) and I would become instantly petrified "what if it's appendicitis, what if I need to get my appendix removed". I've called 111 a couple of times, and even been to the hospital and doctors a few times too. But I'm still here, and my appendix are still in my body!

The thing is, I know it's probably nothing, but it's the "what if it IS something this time" that keeps me worrying, googling things, shaking, crying, and panicking.

Generalised anxiety disorder isn't a walk in the park, so when you've got a spoonful of health anxiety thrown into the mix, it's heart-wrenching to say the least.

It's horrible to live with, and although I try to remain as positive as possible, there's not much I can do about my constant tendency to worry. I don't just worry about health, I worry about everything else too, so as you can imagine, it can be extremely tiring.

When you become consumed with something, and convinced that you have an illness or disease, it's hard to shake off – you can't just flick a switch and believe you're happy and healthy again. It takes reassurance, nurturing, meditation, positivity, belief, and most of all – time.

Being convinced you have an illness is debilitating, difficult, and extremely hard. Until you have evidence that there's nothing wrong with you, you're left in a constant state of worry and fear. Usually combined with tears and sadness.